Today was a bit of a disaster. I failed rather spectacularly. It felt like shit at the time, but it’s okay that it happened. In some strange way, it’s what should happen.
I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I can’t. I’ve never done this before. I am learning. This is what learning looks like. Six months from now, this would have been a different day. But six months from now, I’ll only know what I know because I’ll have had days like this.
I just hope I’m able to do some good in the meantime.
For having such a craptastic day, I’m in a pretty good mood tonight. I haven’t spent my evening beating myself up for not doing well. I’m actually a little surprised by how easy it was for me to be gentle and forgiving of myself. I am continuing to change. Continuing to grow. And I continue to like the person I am becoming.
What I was thinking just now, while I was brushing my teeth before crawling into bed and starting this post, was that I want to fall in love. I have no idea how it might happen. The odds seem pretty well stacked against me in this new place I’m living. But that doesn’t matter to me right now. All that does is the fact that I want it. I haven’t for a very long time. I want to fall in love. I think this is rather glorious. I think it something to be savored. Just the wanting of it. When or how or if it will happen is another matter entirely, and not where I want to dwell tonight.
I want to fall in love. I’m smiling now. I like who I am becoming.