I can only force “cheerful,” “outgoing,” and “positive” for so long before it pisses me off. After a while, it starts to grate on me. I felt myself getting resentful today about all the people I have to make a concerted effort to be nice and friendly to each day. And it’s not because I’m not sometimes a genuinely nice and friendly person. It’s just not how I am all the time. Sometimes, I’m really fucking grumpy. Sometimes, I’m sad. Sometimes, I’m just more introverted.
Smiling all the time doesn’t work well for me. Friendly banter can exhaust me. Being “sociable” can take effort for me at times. At times, it’s effortless. But having to be “on” all the bloody time will eventually put me in a super foul mood. I think this is what I experienced today, and I guess this is what locked doors are for. I may have to take better advantage of mine in the future.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to talk to people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being withdrawn. Yet sometimes, in some environments, it can feel wrong. It can actually feel wrong to be who I really am. If I let it.
So, maybe when I got secretly mad today with all the people I’ve been having to be “nice” to constantly, I was really mad at me. For being less than true to myself. For forcing myself to be something or somewhere I’m not for the sake of fitting in. For the hope of being liked. I’m a long way from high school. And sometimes, I’m really not so far from it.