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Already my week seems long and it’s barely even started.

My weekends have taken on a meaning they haven’t had in a long time.

Aside from paying bills, the next big thing I want to do is find a dog walker. It seems to be the best option, and I need something to reduce the guilt and strain I feel having my dog at home alone while I am at work.

I want to make my life here as easy as I possibly can, knowing how stressful it will get as my workload increases. Already I am wishing I could speed up time and have it be a year from now–have my gigantic learning curve over with and the intricacies of a job I’ve never done before mastered.

I want to have dog care I trust–a daily walker and a place to board him for trips–already in place. I want to have a routine of when I do the shopping, the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking already figured out. I don’t want to have to adjust; I want to already be adjusted.

Sigh. I am just getting started.

I don’t like being a beginner of things. I don’t like not knowing how things will get done. I don’t like feeling like there are one million things in any given day to figure out and that the million from yesterday just pile onto the million from today, both rolling over to join a million more tomorrow.

I hate the grey.

And, this is my life. It is happening right here, right now. I don’t want to miss it. As uncomfortable as it makes me, I want to stay. I want to be as present for all of this as I can be. I want to break it off into chewable pieces, taking just the next thing in. I don’t think it needs to overwhelm me. Yes, it’s overwhelming. But I’m also looking at too many things all at once. Thinking and worrying about everything, including all the things that may never happen. Like deciding I need to get a can of pepper spray to carry with me on walks with my dog, in the event that a pitbull ever hops a fence and comes after us.

I am making my life harder than it needs to be.