I think to avoid too much redundancy I will just report, sometime in the future, the day when I am not feeling tired.
I probably should have been in bed an hour ago. We have a long day in the car tomorrow, followed by another long day in the car on Sunday. Followed by another week of work and my mom leaving to go home.
In less than a week, I will be here alone with my dog, and my new life will officially have started. Perhaps it has already.
My home is nearly in order. I have begun decorating my office. I am retrieving my dog this weekend and bringing him here.
Still, when I walk in the door at the end of a work day there is someone to greet me. There is someone with whom I share dinner and talk to about my day. I get a hug before I go to bed each night.
I don’t yet know what it’s like to be here on my own. I won’t know until I am. Until next Thursday night when I get off work, commute the short distance home, and walk into a house where there is only my dog waiting for me. I am not particularly looking forward to it. And, I am anxious for it to come.
I feel like I have cheated a bit. By having so much help and support through this in the person of my mom. I would have been a wreck without her. I am certain of it. I feel slightly guilty. As though I should have been able to do this without anyone else. As though having her here was an undeserved luxury; something to apologize for. And not to her, but to anyone and everyone else. It seems strange to me that I would feel like that and yet I do.
I think she is as grateful to be here and to share this with me as I am to have her here. There is nothing to feel guilty about. That I can ask for, and that I can allow myself to receive help is a good thing. So why am I ashamed of it?
I feel shame when I get what I want. I’m too tired to delve deeper into it tonight, but that’s a truth. It’s also true that I don’t want to continue to carry that shame. I deserve to get what I want. It’s okay when I do. It’s actually pretty great.