I’m typing this on my computer! While lying in bed! On my own wireless internet connection! It is Amaaaaaazing!
I am going to bed tonight much happier than I’ve been all day. In part, it’s because I’m not having to type this post on a phone screen. In part, it’s because I spent the past hour reclined on my new living room couch with my mom watching a show on my new TV. Mostly, though, it’s because I got to talk to two of my dearest friends tonight, and it was so great just to hear their voices and even better to hear them laugh (and to laugh with them).
Around noon today I felt like crying. I’m not sure why. It was not a great first day at the office, despite the fact that: a) I have an office, b) my office has its own temperature control, and c) my office has a three-person leather couch in it. I was still, somehow, disappointed by my experience.
I have absolutely no idea how my life is going to play out here. I have absolutely no idea whether I am going to love it or hate it. Sometimes it’s easy for me to believe that good things will come from trusting myself and doing what felt so right for me. Sometimes, it isn’t so easy, my thoughts become murkier, and all my fear and doubt rises to skim the surface. It does not help that every time I meet someone new here, and they find out where I moved from, they react like I am the craziest person they have ever encountered. I got this a lot today. The startled look. The, “Why?!” The laughter.
And I immediately start to justify myself.
The truth is, I am already happier here than I was in my previous home. Despite all the complications of moving. Despite all the problems with this house. Despite being out in the desert far away from anyone I love. Despite how great everyone thinks my previous city is, and how much they all wished they lived there.
So, I don’t need to justify it. I don’t need anyone else to ever understand. It is enough for me to know. I am already happier here. This is all that matters to me. Or at least, I want it to be. I don’t want to let the opinions of strangers derail me. I don’t want to allow them to open up spaces inside me for the doubt to start rising again. I want to sit in my truth and feel good about it. To relish the joy of living in a place that actually feels like a home.