I had a good day. Long, but good.
It finally occurred to me about midway through day 1 of my new hire orientation that I’m starting a new job. I don’t know yet what it will entail, and I’ve yet to meet a single person with whom I’ll actually be working, but I’m happy to be starting something.
I’m tired and need to be up and on the road for a 2 hour drive in about 6.5 hours, so I don’t want to dwell too much on my unresolved feelings right now, but I have the sense, as I sometimes do, that there’s some fundamental truth I’m refusing to accept or acknowledge because I’m afraid of how it reflects on me. I am wishing tonight, just a little bit, that I was a different person than I am. Someone perhaps who didn’t need quite so much from others or who was more okay with accepting less. Itt occurs to me now that trying to be that person has hurt me a lot in the past. Because it’s just not me.
I have wants and needs, and it’s perfectly okay that I do. More, I can express my wants and needs to people. When something isn’t enough for me, I don’t have to twist myself in knots trying to be okay with receiving less. I can actually refuse to accept less than I deserve. Even just writing that makes me uncomfortable. The fact of my being a loveable person isn’t dependent on anyone else. It’s true all by itself. I am learning this. This is new to me. It makes me squirm as though it’s something to get away from, rather than something to embrace.
I have so much left to learn.