I feel hatred on a near daily basis toward other human beings. Sometimes, those human beings are really old, feeble and in need of help. Sometimes, they are really young, little, and supposedly cute. Their crimes are generally things like hitting the brakes too often, walking across a grocery store parking lot in front of my car, or talking out loud while in public and in my general vicinity.
The worst offenders are the dog owners who walk their dogs at the same time and on the same patch of sidewalk that I and my dog are ambling toward. This afternoon as I and my dog stepped out into the road and around the parallel parked cars to pass the lady with her labrador, I actually thought to myself, “Maybe we’ll get hit by a car and then she’ll feel like the piece of shit she is.” Truly awful things go through my head. Sometimes I mutter curses out loud. I did today once we were back on the sidewalk and turning a corner. I regret only that my swearing isn’t more creative than “God damn mother fucking jack ass.”
I know that my hatred is entirely irrational. I know that this lady and her labrador did nothing wrong. I know that the problem, in fact, is that my dog is a leash aggressive asshole and that what that really means is that the problem is me. I know all this. Yet every time it happens it’s like my body starts to seethe. Like the vitriol rises on a roiling mass of rage that nature tucked into crevices in my body for safe keeping and that this person in this moment held a match to. I can’t explain it.
I feel hatred almost every day toward other people. For really stupid reasons. For existing. For taking up space. For making noise. For getting in my way. For disturbing the way I want my world to be. For reminding me that it isn’t my world? For letting me know that I don’t matter as much as I’d like to believe I do? For being a lesson in my own insignificance?
Maybe the reasons aren’t so stupid after all…