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I have the most wonderful friends.

This is where my mind and heart are tonight. I am going to miss their lovely, smiling faces. The ones who I currently get to see, anyway. I have other friends who I rarely get to visit with in person. We have lengthy phone or Skype conversations every couple months and it is enough to keep us connected. I am glad I’ve had so much practice with long-distance friendships, as they are about to be all I have for a time.

I am blessed in my friendships. Blessed to love and be loved by the truly remarkable people in my life.

And, there is something so profoundly necessary about the way I’m about to venture forth alone. I don’t quite understand it yet, so it’s hard for me to write or talk about, but I know that it matters. I know that it is something I need to do. I have to go.

Tonight I went out dancing with three of my friends. We laughed a lot. We sweat a lot. It was so great to be with them.

The day after tomorrow I will drive several hours southwest of here into the middle of dust and heat, and I will look for a new home for me and my dog. I will be alone in my car. Alone in my search. Alone as I make my choice about where my life will be. I am daunted by this and scared. But I am also aware of my strength, aware of a power I sense slowly building at the center of me. I am looking forward to the quiet. I am looking forward to the space. I am eager for it.

I feel as though I am constantly carrying conflicting experiences inside myself simultaneously this past week or so. Sadness is laced with joy. Grief is coupled with excitement. Fear is hand-in-hand with empowerment. I am all these things all at once. I am finding it a little exhausting.