I am perched on the very edge of my sofa, computer balanced on my knees, with no intention of being here long. Nights like this, these posts seem like a chore.
I wish I had gotten more done this weekend. Which is to say, I wish I had gotten something done this weekend. Last week I was hoping my official job offer would come through on Monday so I could expediently go forward with this move. Now my fingers are crossed and a lump has landed in my gut; I have every hope that I won’t receive an offer tomorrow as I’m feeling completely unprepared. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to go back in time and have a re-do.
I should have taken my dog on Saturday to the family friend’s where he is going to stay for a few weeks and that is a few hours drive from here. I didn’t even think of it. I should have compiled a list of possible places to rent in my new home town. I should have gotten boxes, started going through the piles of papers I have stashed around the place, or taken down my Christmas tree decorations. I should have done a lot of things, and I didn’t. I read. I lounged. I took a couple days off in the midst of planning a move that will likely be executed in the next 2-3 weeks. Oh, well.
To be honest, I don’t feel terribly badly about how I spent my weekend. Aside from the mean voice in my head telling me how awful tomorrow is likely to be as a result, and how utterly screwed I’ll be if the offer appears in my inbox, I don’t really care. It’ll all get done. I will make sure of it.
I frequently beat myself up for how I spend my time after the fact. It’s pointless. And, how I spent my time really isn’t as awful as I make it out to be in my head. Lame, maybe, but I’m more or less okay with that right now. I want a quiet life. For at least a little while I want a quiet life with little activity. I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify that to people, but I do. I got incredibly defensive the other day talking with a couple people about the nowhere place I’m going to be moving. The questioning look this woman gave me really got under my skin. I started to doubt myself. One slightly quizzical look and I began to wonder if I’m making a horrible mistake.
I don’t want to feel like I have to justify my life to others, but I do. Someday, I’d really just like to live it and have that be that.