I was braver with my heart when I was younger. I have become better defended with time. With heart break. With loss. With confusion. With failure. With rejection. I have taken these things and constructed a shell for myself within which I have been safe. It has been important to me to be safe. It is hard for me to trust. It is not easy for me to be vulnerable. Yet I yearn for it. I want so much to be seen.
It is coming. The day is coming when I will be brave again. I know this tonight. I don’t know how, but I do. I have been putting myself back to together these past couple years. I have been falling apart and repositioning the pieces. I have been healing. I am stronger today than I have ever been. I have Me in a way I never have before. And I am so happy about this that it moves me to tears.
The day is coming. I will love again with all my heart. I am beginning with me. It is how it has to be.
I keep thinking about the difference between this move and the one that brought me here. I was so broken then. I was pushed into moving by circumstances and I resented it. I came here hoping that someone would save me from myself and when no one did, I resented everyone else here too.
I have a list of very good reasons for why this next move makes sense. The truth of it though, the reason at the heart of it driving me toward it these past few months, isn’t something I have words for yet. I know only that in leaving I am stepping nearer to myself. It is, for me, about love.