I am a grumpy little bastard again. I am moody and discontent. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to run somewhere screaming, only there doesn’t seem to be anywhere to run to. I want someone to come and rescue me, only no one can. I want to cry in the arms of a person I feel safe with, only no such person exists for me here. It’s crap. All of it is crap. I hate where I live, hate where I work, hate that this is my life and I am stuck in it for now.
[It was exactly at this point in writing my post that my best friend from Chicago called me, and I spent the next hour laughing my ass off and talking with her.]
To be fair, even as I was typing the initial paragraph, I knew it was only part of the truth. I feel all those things at various moments of my day. It’s messy and it’s not pretty, but I have experienced all those thoughts and feelings today.
And, I have also experienced myself being okay. I have smiled today. I have laughed and joked and teased today. I bought cupcakes for my friends today. I crossed off every item on my work to do list today.
The truth is I am a grumpy little bastard, a sweetheart, a good friend, a hard worker, a goofball, and a dark humorist. I was all those things and more today.
I’m just aware, as I lay down for the night, of wishing for more joy in my life. More joy in my experience of my life. I want that for myself. I want that in my experience of myself. More joy. More light. More love. I think it may have to start with me. It’s a gift I can give myself–more freedom to just be me, without the shame, judgment and hatred. I don’t know how to do it. I want to say, I don’t know where to start, but the truth is, I think I do. I think I have.