My life is about god.
I haven’t wanted to admit that for a really long time. Even as it has been the driving force of my life. Even as it has been the one thing that most simply defined me. I am embarrassed by it. I am afraid of it.
I am someone who hates not knowing. I loathe uncertainty, and I don’t want to take anything on faith. I also accept that god is not something I can or will ever be able to define. I may have ideas about god, but they are only ideas. The truth of it can’t be known to me. I choose what I believe, and it’s always just a belief.
I don’t have a definable god. I have no discernible path to that indefinable god. I am in the dark creating my path as I walk it, having absolutely no idea if it’s headed toward what I hope or perfectly away from it.
My entire life is about god. It is who I am. It is what matters most to me.
I can call it spirituality or existentialism or healing or some word that I invent, but it is all just a way of saying the same thing, and it is the thing I don’t want to say.
I don’t understand fighting something so obvious or denying something while also living it. It is becoming stranger and stranger to me, this phenomenon of human being.
Piece by piece, I am beginning to accept the truths about me. Piece by piece, I am letting go of and grieving the things I wish were true about me, and never will be.
This process is hard. This process is painful.
Today, I had this glimpse of what might be awaiting me, of who I might really be. It flickered like the ghost of an image. The part that came through most clearly, was a feeling of being absolutely unbound and free. I cried to feel even the outermost edge of it. I am taking it on faith that somehow this thing I am doing right now is taking me there.
This isn’t about Depression anymore, although I suppose in a backwards way it is. This is about me deeply accepting all of my own humanity (most especially the parts I have for so long hated), being with the terror, doubt, and shame until it transforms into love, letting go of so many good defenses, discovering myself and in that act of discovery, being set free. It is about god. It is about me. It is about uncovering my heart.