I carried the enormity of this moment with me all day. I woke up to the fact of this being day 365.
When I started this process a year ago, I had no idea what it would become. I literally didn’t know what I was doing even as I started doing it.
A year later, I am sitting here wanting to conjure the feelings of gratitude, joy and love that swam through my heart and my smile all day as I sat with what I have done, as I realized again and again the incredibleness of what I have given myself here, and how it has moved me. Yet what I am most aware of right now in this very moment of composing Truth #365, is sadness. I am aware of an ending.
There very well might be a Truth #366. I might write it tomorrow night, and I might not write it for a while. Regardless, the commitment I made to do this for a year is coming to a close. What I do tomorrow is yet to be decided. There is excitement around that. There is fear too.
This process has meant everything to me. I can hold onto it if I need to. I can also choose to let it go, and in so doing, open myself to discovering whatever the next thing is. I think it’s possible that life, well-lived, is only ever beginning. I think that might be where the magic is. And, there is a part of me who hates the chance that might be true. I like comfort, familiarity, security, and safety. I also push myself always to risk, and I crave freedom. I want a life full of magic. I don’t know yet how much of both I can have. Finding out is just one small part of the work I have left to do.
I am not something that can be wrapped up neatly. I am a living, breathing mess of wonders. I am a human being who is always moving, always growing, always being reborn. Something ends and something begins. Something is always beginning.
I didn’t know what would happen when I started this a year ago. I don’t know what happens now. I will wake up tomorrow and I will live my day. Whether I end up writing at the end of it will be decided when it’s decided. What comes next will come as and when it does.
This is life as I choose to live it. Where grief and joy co-mingle. Where love and fear fill the same breath. Where risk and safety can be balanced. Where doubt is a part of faith, and heartbreak a part of healing. Where I get to be all of me, and keep all of me. This is the life I choose. It is the only one I want to live.