I was awkward and uncomfortable for much of the day. Even as I was sitting with my friends, who are the closest thing to family I have near me, I was aware of some discomfort I couldn’t quite name. Sadness, maybe. Anxiety, possibly. I would find pockets of distraction in our conversations and in their laughter, but it was there beneath the surface, and my smile seemed vaguely disingenuous. The only time I lost it entirely was for the hour I spent gleefully introducing them to So You Think You Can Dance through Youtube clips. Yes, I love So You Think You Can Dance. Back when I had cable television and could watch it live, I even used to vote.
The truth is quite simple for me: I don’t want to go through everything I’m facing over the next couple of months alone. I know that I can and will handle it, and that I will be just fine, but I wish I didn’t have to handle it by myself. I’m scared and overwhelmed and it seems like it would be easier to go through it with someone. Yet I think part of the whole point of looking for jobs outside the area I live in, was to venture out on my own. I do believe that it will be what’s best for me for now, and that doesn’t change my wishing it could be different.
While I am mostly aware of my discomfort and my desire to bury my head until it’s all magically sorted out by someone else, I also, at times, find an odd comfort nestled within myself that feels like strength. I think, perhaps, I am living. I think I might even be growing up. There is a part of me that wants to rebel against this. And, a part of me that wants to lean into it and build upon it. Likely, I will continue to do both.
I really, really, really wish life were easier than it is. I know it’s a child’s wish in some ways, but regardless, it’s still mine. I will continue to try to daydream myself a better place. I will continue to fantasize about being saved. I will continue to escape into worlds where I don’t have to exist. And, I will keep getting up in the morning, doing the best I can to live. I will move and I will start a new job. I will make new friends. Build a new life. In many ways it might not look very different from the one I have now, but it’ll be enough even when it doesn’t feel like it is.