I feel anxious and a little out of sorts, like I’ve been tumbling and haven’t quite yet landed.
I spent a good part of my day looking into my future, and loving what I saw as possible there. I am excited for the life I am in the process of creating. There are so many things I want for myself now that I believe I can have them. I am excited for the future, and eager for my present to catch up to it.
Partly, this is because I am not entirely happy where I am. As I was driving home tonight I thought, “Six months. In six months I want to be doing something else.” Partly, it is because I am uncovering so much joy and hope, it is changing what I believe to be possible for me and for my life. I honestly think the possibilities might be limitless. I honestly think it might be possible for me to have absolutely everything that I want. And, it scares me just how much I want.
There is a part of me that wants to pull me back and rein me in. There is a part of me saying, “Stay grounded in the here and now. Come back down to earth.” It might be the same part of me wanting to apply control measures to the experiences I am now having. It might be the part of me that most needs to feel in control, regardless of whether or not I actually am in control.
I am running out of the ground that I know. I am running out of familiar territory. I am standing at the edge of new land, and while I want very much to run forward and explore, there is a part of me that is scared of stepping out into a vast unknown.
I am more scared of not stepping out.
The truth is, there is a lot I cannot know. And, there are things I know very well. I know how to track where I am, how to find out what I need, and how to provide for myself. I know how to sit with and how to take care of me. I know how to ask for help and how to communicate well. I know plenty about how to keep myself safe even in the midst of the wild unknown. I can trust myself to be okay, and to navigate anything I come across. I can. I have proven myself to be trustworthy. I know this, and still I’m scared.
I want the life I am dreaming of. I want it more than I want to stay with the old, the comfortable, and the familiar. Which truthfully, wasn’t all that comfortable anyway. If it had been, I don’t think I would have thought so much about death and dreamed for so long about non-existence. But that is not the story I tell myself on the edge of the wilds. I tell myself to go back to what I knew, and I tell myself I was comfortable there. I lie.
Thankfully, the fear is a small part of what I am experiencing. The excitement is so much bigger. The hope is so much more radiant.
There are things I will need to let go of as I step over this new edge. There is much I get to hold onto. Like, me and all the things I value. Courage being very near the top of that list.