Truth #355: This is a lifetime practice

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After all this time, after all this work, after all these truths, I still find places where I am afraid that all of who I am might not be okay. These I think, are the places where I get to choose now just how vulnerable I want to be. These are the places where I get to sit a little longer, and expand a little more.

This is a lifetime practice. This knowing myself, accepting myself, and being honest about my experience: this is a lifetime practice. It is not something I will ever finish. It is part of each day. It is how I continue to grow and how the work I do deepens.

There is a comfort in knowing what I can do. A surety in knowing that this is not beyond me, but is in fact built right into the heart of me. Rather than finding it scary or daunting, I actually find it exciting. This is where my life is ripe with endless possibility. It is held in every moment of turning toward myself.

I am not complete. I will not be complete at the end of this particular process. I am, however, aware of my wholeness and this is invaluable to me.

I get to have all of me. I get to love all of me. I get to experience all of me being loved. It is enough. It so, so much more than enough.

Truth #354: My heart is on the surface of my skin

My heart is on the surface of my skin. I’m not sure it belongs entirely to me anymore. I’m not sure it ever really has.

I’m not as interested in being safe as I used to be. I want more to be vulnerable. I want more to be alive, to be moved to tears by the beauty of this world, and that of my own humanity.

This moment is precious to me. I have had so many precious moments lately.

I like being soft before people. I like feeling my heart open to them, and watching as the reflection of my heart appears in their gaze and the tears that well there. I like the smiles our faces show, and the communion that happens in the space in between them.

I have no desire right now to be guarded. I want to give myself away. I want to let myself be free.

Truth #353: I am full, and I am wanting

I am full, and I am wanting.

I’ve had a truly beautiful day. I soaked in the sun to the sound of the ocean before me. I made friends, and laughed and danced with them. I shared a moment or two of genuine connection. I felt myself be tense, contract, become increasingly discomforted, and I watched myself be okay in all of it.

I am not the me of my old stories anymore. I am someone I am getting to know by witnessing how I emerge in all the varied moments of my day. It’s incredible to get to see the beauty in me.

I am full, and I am wanting.

I had this beautiful day that filled me up. Now, I want to be soft and tender. I want to be vulnerable with someone, and with myself. I want to experience my heart on the surface of my skin. In a touch. In a look. In a word, whispered.

I have so much in me that I want to share. I want to see and be seen in this place. In this full-hearted, embodied place.

Truth #352: I am in between

I am somewhere in between. I have had the worst time trying to write this truth, in part because I am composing it on my uncooperative phone, and in part because I fon’t know where I am.

I arrived at a very beautiful place today. It is lovely and I am grateful to get to share in it.

I came here to not be as alone in my process as I’ve been, but I’m not sure how helpful it actually is to be with people when I am a stranger to them. I’ve had a couple great conversations already. But no one will really know me when I leave. They can’t when I am only here for 3 days. So, I am in between. Not alone, and not really a part of. It is uncomfortable, and I can be uncomfortable now in ways I couldn’t before.

Wherever I am tonight, there is at least some part of me that is thrilled to be in this most magical place. To know that it exists and to share in it of only for a minute. I am also aware that my life is happening outside of here. I am in a few places all at once.

Truth #351: I am afraid that in my quietest moments, I become insignificant

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I am afraid that in my quietest moments, I become insignificant.

I am afraid that if the world isn’t feeling my movement, it will cease to be aware of me, and I will stop existing.

I am afraid of being invisible.

I have been thinking tonight about the trip I am embarking on tomorrow. I went on a similar trip last year, and it was literally life changing. I am wondering how disappointed I will be if this year it’s just pleasant and relaxing.

I tend to like powerful, explosive, transformative moments in time. I know in those moments that I am alive and that what I am doing matters. The time in between matters in so much as it is building toward the next powerful, explosive, transformative moment.

It is never entirely okay to just be.

I am thinking about all of this tonight as I am preparing to go. Part of me wants to continue exploding, hoping to be reborn one more time. Part of me just wants a nice, quiet trip.

I have said more than once that this is my life, but it something I continue to realize. This is my life. Whatever this may be. I am already in it. I am already living it. There is no where else to go. Nothing that I have yet to earn. Nothing to prove.

Quiet feels like it would be nice.

Truth #349: I am distracted

I am distracted. My attention is not entirely here. A good three-quarters of it is currently sitting on my living room couch (the rest of me is sitting at my desk in the study).

It is odd to try to rush this process of truth-telling, and here I am, rushing it. Trying to get it done so I can go back to the life waiting for me out there. I have a life waiting for me these days. That is an amazing thing.

Truth #348: I keep surprising myself

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I can walk through anything.

I don’t realize this about myself all the time when I’m in the midst of something, but I am starting to know it even in the middle of a mess. I still struggle with so much self-doubt, judgment, shame, and this nagging critical voice, but I know how to temper it now. I know where to safely go for the perspective I need. I know how to sit with myself in all of it, how to be honest and real, and how to ask for what I need. This is incredible to me.

I keep surprising myself. This is what it is like to discover me. It is a constant revelation. It is a daily event. I am finally seeing what my friends have long since seen of me. I don’t need to borrow someone else’s eyes anymore. My vision is clearing.

The more I discover, the more I bring parts of myself back into the fold, the more I share the truth of who I am with others, the more I love. And not just in me. My capacity to hold others in love, to express love to others, grows too. This, I think, might just be the point of all the work I’ve been doing all this time.

Truth #347: I am ready

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I am troubled.

I can’t have what I want in the way that I want it. The option for that just does not exist right now, and that sucks. I am mad at the universe at least a little bit tonight.

It does not mean that I can’t necessarily have what I want, although I don’t know if that is possible either. It depends, in part, on how much of a risk I am willing to take. It depends, as much, on things entirely beyond my control. That sucks too.

I am a bit heart broken at the moment. I am also aware though, that whatever I choose, and whatever happens as a result of that choice, there is a lot to feel good about here, and a lot to celebrate. It is not all suffering. It is also joy, and love, and the beauty of being human beings in relationship with one another, each doing the best we can with what we have and where we are.

I am ready. I am not sure I really trusted this until tonight. Until I watched myself go through something difficult and discomforting. Until I watched how I responded in it, and saw the places where I was honest, the places I asked for my needs to be met, the places where I communicated uncomfortable things, and the places where I was graceful and kind. I am ready to be an active participate in my life. I am ready to be in intimate relationships with others. I am ready to sit in the mess of it all, knowing I can handle what happens there. I am ready to open up more, to share more, to be vulnerable more. I am ready to trust myself to live well.

Realizing this, I’m also not so troubled anymore. It still sucks. And, I’m okay.

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