I had a long, hard day, but it was not a bad one. I think I tend to do better on days that are more structured, and I resist structure. Funny how I seem most resistant to the things that are good for me.
The other side of that truth is, I don’t know that I could sustain it if everyday were like today. I think this is what I experienced last week when I was burned out by Thursday. I need more balance. I need to spread it out a bit more evenly, so I’m not subsisting on fumes alone by the end of the week. So come Saturday, I’m not sobbing on my couch in the office clutching decorative pillows to my chest. So come Sunday, I’m not feverishly trying to figure out an entirely new career I can pursue (one that would undoubtedly require yet another graduate degree).
I’m exhausted by how much I am learning, and how much learning remains. And I am becoming more and more convinced that finding a new therapist will have to top the to-do list at the start of the new year.
There is so much that I don’t know. Like why I resist the things that are good for me and happily embrace and indulge in those that are bad for me. I’m not even sure the why really matters here. What I most want to know, is how do I change it? How do I start leaning into the good and letting go of the bad?