It was a strange thing today to be coming back to this place as home; to “return” to the new airport and this relatively new house and town. It wasn’t necessarily good or bad, just strange.
That said, I am very happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight and to have my dog sharing it with me.
I wish I didn’t have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow. I wish I could sleep in and spend my day puttering.
I have been wondering the past couple days about what it would be like to return to my home city where some of my family is. I think in some ways it would feel better and be easier. I think in some ways it wouldn’t actually change very much for me. I am aware that part of the pull is this desire to “borrow” my sister’s family; I want to latch onto them and pretend, at least for a little while, that they are mine too.
I don’t know what I will eventually do, but for now, I still think my place is here. I have so much to possibly gain from being on my own. So much to learn about myself and what I am capable of. And, I don’t want to run away from the things I fear, like being alone.
I am tired and I don’t want to think too much more about any of it tonight. I want to read and sleep and dream. I want to hold onto the hope that I can create a life for myself that I am happy in. That I can find a way to be happy with me.
I’m thinking about taking a writing class at the local community college. I have avoided writing for a long time because I’m afraid I don’t know how to do it well. Maybe it is time to learn.
I feel like I failed my mom this weekend. That I was too selfishly caught up in my own experience and not paying enough attention to her. It was a weird few days for me. Unexpectedly so. My family is shifting, and I’m not sure how I fit into it anymore. I’m not sure what my place is, and I don’t quite know how it effects my life and the choices I make. I only suspect that it does. That it will. I feel a tide of grief moving slowly toward me that I don’t particularly want to face.
So instead, I wrote a mish-mash of a blog post and will now be going to bed.