I was a child the first time I thought it would be better to die than continue having to live; the first time I wished I had never been born; the first time I prayed to be made into someone else; and the first time I thought about killing myself. I am not a child anymore but I’ve carried all these things with me into adulthood.

I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2002 and I began taking anti-depressants. My diagnosis was later changed to Bipolar II Disorder and I started on a mood stabilizer. Between 2002 and 2011 I swallowed some kind of drug nearly everyday. I went off all psychotropic medication in early 2011, and it wasn’t because I was doing better. Every day of the year prior had contained at least one moment in which I wished I was dead.

I have a history of eating disorder and substance abuse, both of which I have been in recovery from since 2000. I have never attempted suicide. I am not actively suicidal. And, I’m not entirely certain that I want to live.

I have had symptoms of Depression for almost as long as I can remember. Fighting it doesn’t seem to work, and I have fought valiantly. I don’t want to spend the rest of whatever time I have in this life waging war against myself, and I’m not quite sure where that leaves me. This website is my attempt at discovery. It is, first and foremost, a personal experiment. I begin it not knowing what it will become.

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