I have a lot of letting go to do.
I spent my day clearing old things out of stashes of paper, piles of clothes, and bags of junk. I had two different friends sit with me at various times while I was doing this and it was immensely helpful. I am grateful to them for showing up.
I got angry today with some people in my life who haven’t shown up for me much in this. In the past I would hold tightly to this anger, bury it down inside me somewhere and let it stew into resentment. I would use it to feel sorry for myself. I would wield it righteously in my thoughts, and in my thoughts it would stay.
I don’t want to replay that old pattern. Not here and not now. I am moving forward. I want to do so with integrity. I want to do so not only in my physical world, but my mental and emotional ones as well. I want to grow with this move. As much as possible, I want it to represent a “moving toward” and not a “running from.”
I don’t think I often ask people to prioritize me. I don’t think I often ask people for very much. I rarely reach out and ask for help, for example. I feel silly and absurd when I do, as though I should be able to do whatever it is on my own, and the request for help demonstrates some weakness on my part. It is hard for me to ask.
Here is a difficult truth for me to admit. I think I have, in the past, believed that asking someone else to love me is already asking for too much. So, I have gratefully accepted the love when it has been shown to me and haven’t wanted to ask for more. Is it not enough that people put up with me? This, I think, is what I have long believed. That the love is a gift I don’t deserve, and I should therefore tread carefully lest I lose it.
This, I realized tonight is complete and total bullshit.
I deserve people in my life who show up for me as I show up for them. I admit, I can do a better job of this. I can be a better friend. I have failed some friends in the past. I am thinking a lot of one in particular who I have disappeared on in some of her previous and tumultuous moves. I wish I had shown up for her then in the way I wish people would show up for me now.
I am angry. This too is difficult for me to admit. I am tired though of trying to be fair and considerate of the needs of others all the time while mine go continually unmet. It is not enough for me anymore to simply be loved by people. I want people to show up and participate. I want people to make an effort. I want the words that people to say to be matched by action. I do not need to be the center of anyone’s universe. But the week before I move, the week before I leave the place we live together, I would like someone to make enough time to sit with me for an hour. Or, at the very least, to say goodbye.
I have a lot of letting go to do. It is not just the junk that I have collected and compiled, that has filled the surprisingly many shelves and crevices of my apartment, but the crap that has clouded my heart and mind; the shit that I have been housing for a much longer time. Right here, right now, I am giving up the idea that other people’s love is like some undeserved charity or unwarranted kindness. I am deserving of it. In fact, I am deserving of more than love alone.