Here is what I know tonight to be true:
Yesterday I interviewed for a job I don’t want to do in a place where I don’t want to live. I couldn’t accept this truth yesterday or the day before when it started to wind itself into the outer recesses of my mind. I was blinded, in part, by my own need to prove that I could get a paid job in a State, a field, and a level of training in which the overwhelming majority of positions are unpaid. It didn’t matter that I would be the one to suffer the consequences of my pride. All that mattered was that I got it. I was equally blinded by my need to run, to escape the town where I live and leave behind the people I have known, loved, and been hurt by here.
Today it was like I suddenly woke up, looked around me, and had absolutely no idea how I’d come to arrive here. This need to prove myself right had me whipped into such a frenzy that I had stopped using my eyes to see. I just drove myself on. I was utterly prepared to swap this misery for an even greater one, while all the time pretending that I was only doing what I thought best for me. It was a load of shit. I am often full of shit, but even I was stunned by the degree to which I had managed to con myself.
Here’s some more truth:
I am sick to my stomach with anxiety over student loan bills that I have yet to pay this month. It would take less than 10 minutes for me to pay them online and yet I will close this browser down and let it go with a silent promise to do it tomorrow. I have been anxious for weeks about the vehicle registration renewal sitting in my mail pile that I keep “forgetting” to write a check for and return. It will sit for at least another night despite the gnawing in my stomach over it. I haven’t done a job search or applied for a new position in over 2 weeks. I feel badly about myself for all the things I fail to do every day, and yet every day I whisper to myself, “tomorrow.” I lie and I lie and I lie all the while pretending that it’s not what I’m doing.
A tiny bit more truth:
All of this is okay. All of it. None of it is the measure of who I am. None of it determines the meaningfulness of my life. I am more than all of these things. I forget that far too often. Far too frequently I forget my heart.
I was in a grumpy-ass mood today. I complained as much as I could (mostly to my poor mother). I felt despondent and hopeless. I lost all sense of what I want for my future. All sense of what really matters to me. I saw no satisfactory solution. Nothing that inspired or excited me. And I have absolutely no idea what the fuck to do from here.
I was walking my dog about 30 minutes ago and suddenly I felt like I had realized something in a place in me which doesn’t associate with words. I knew that I understood something new, but I couldn’t possibly tell you what that is. It felt like something finding its home in me. For a few moments I knew hope, and I knew in some strange way that none of this really matters more than I let it matter. I remembered my heart. I knew myself as more than all of the bullshit that I spew. It probably won’t last, but for tonight, those few moments were so much more than enough.